Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
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in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian