cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
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*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
My favorite farside!!
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive