WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
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constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
I’m about to risk it all
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Optional boss fight.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.