The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
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Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?