Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
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Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I have questions??
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Fights fire with marshmallows
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
This raises questions
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not