Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
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You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.