Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
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It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?