7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
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nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Solving a traffic jam
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.