HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
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Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.