INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
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I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I’m giving up ice.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Aaaa…CHOO!
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer