My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
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I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Knock Knock