The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
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hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Genius idea!!
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…