BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
You Might Also Like
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Feel. He’s so soft.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.