A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
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My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them