It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
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me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.