Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
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thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Traveler’s camo
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.