The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
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Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.