If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
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Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Did a trash talking tree write this?
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY