“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
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[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Had an epiphany today.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway