Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
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Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
moms in horror movies
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me