My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
You Might Also Like
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
asked my bf how work was today
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Somebody’s lying.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more