I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
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I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
I didn’t realize that was an option
Buying a well is money well spent.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.