I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
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Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Follow me for more fitness tips.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee