Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
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My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something