WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
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My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.