Meow?
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“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
the battle rages on
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.