“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
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Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
R.I.P.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner