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The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
bias laundering edition
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that