Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
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First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’