Does beer think about me too?
You Might Also Like
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
best review i’ve ever seen
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you