my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
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Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Is this you?
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON