Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
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Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister