Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
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j o i m p
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.