With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
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me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.