If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
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I feel seen.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Is your wife single?
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
twitter users today:
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
😜
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught