Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
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Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*