I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
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The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
ibopfufen
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked