him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
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[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?