ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
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me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
I think we should hear other voices.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA