A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
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Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?