If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
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[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
asked my bf how work was today
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.