Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
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when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.