God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
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People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Velcrow
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you