Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
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*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician