Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
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call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Me in tagged photos
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was