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If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.