How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
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call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.