Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
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My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Cause of death: Zumba
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.