[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
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My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything