I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
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*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta